How I rolled: MedExpress

So yesterday morning just prior to 7am, as I was repositioning my head on the pillow that I share--out of LOVE, might I add--with my baby cat, Allegra, she scratched my eye out. Forrealz. Or at least she tried.

I can't say what motivated this blatant lack of loyalty except that perhaps she confused the gentle movement of my head nestling blissfully into the pillow with the nocturnal scuttling of some object of prey, thus triggering her feline instinct to attack. Perhaps my hair was nappier than usual? Until she learns to speak English, I may never know.



What I do know, however, is that it caused bleeding, extreme pain, and instantaneous compromise of my 20/20 vision.



(Contrary to what it might look like, in this photo I am actually fighting off my tiny cat, not the imaginary paparazzi who are constantly stalking me...)

Anyway, I was not about to go to the hospital, friends. Neither my insurance company nor I appreciate the thousands of dollars that a trip to the ER presumably necessitates. It was a Saturday, therefore my family doctor was not in the office. Thanks, however, to the vision of some enterprising resident of Wild, Wonderful (Morgantown), West Virginia, and the magic of happenstance, there was another option: a MedExpress that is a cat's throw from my house. (Please note: I haven't tested this claim, however I have thoughtfully considered it and believe it to be true. Particularly if the cat in question weighs less than 10 lbs., as does mine.)

Since MedExpress didn't open until 9am, I had no choice but to make due with a warm washcloth and a river of profanity. In the meantime, I also exercised my long-standing ability to see the sunny side of any situation.

"Ooooh, maybe I'll have to wear an eye patch!" I shouted triumphantly to Honey. Many of my friends can attest to the fact that I've worn an eye patch before, but this would be a genuine, bona fide, medical necessity. I mean, seriously, how badass would that be??

Unfortunately, I was *not* instructed to wear an eye patch, however after having both a numbing agent and some dye shot into my eyeball, I was instructed to see an opthamologist. Apparently the scratch was both large and straight down the center of my eye through both iris and pupil, which meant that I should get the opinion of a specialist. So. Gross.

So I was just jumped by a cat. Clearly not much thought was put into this outfit, but what do you expect??



First of all, I squinted my way through its construction like a prize fighter, and second, I was more concerned about my health than my fabulousness. So please take note of the following:

1.) I am not wearing sunglasses in these photos to look cool. It's just that direct light of any kind was unpleasant.



2.) I am wearing this hat because I did not feel like doing my hair.



3.) It was cold. I needed a scarf.



4.) Shut up. I know I look like a Williamsburg hipster. In fact, I scoffed at my own reflection in the mirror as I was coming down the stairs. Whatevs.



So as far as I'm presently concerned, cats can go eff themselves. Also, thanks Allegra, for royally effing up my Valentine's Day. Honey wanted to go out to eat, howevs I was ordered not to wear eye makeup by the doctor, and ya'll know I refuse to be seen in public without. Since we do not know how deep the scratch actually is, apparently the biggest concern is infection, as bacteria introduced to the optic nerve could be detrimental to future of my sight. In light of that knowledge, I suppose it's not worth the risk, eh? I have accepted that I'll be sequestered at home for the next few days... again.

Anyway, after I came home from MedExpress, I pulled out my eye patch and tried it on. I surmised that no one would know that the doctor hadn't told me to wear it, right? To my extreme dismay, howevs, it only added to my discomfort. It seems that relief can be found only through sunglasses, so for the next few days, this is how I'll be rolling. Hey Timbuk 3 and Corey Hart: Like my man Bobby said, "We got something in common."

My future's so bright...


I gotta wear shades.


And because I'm bothered by both natural and artificial lighting:

I wear my sunglasses at night.


Anyway, that's how I rolled.



Just for reference, I think this photo is slightly less blurry than my vision.


Awesome.

Also, this morning I woke up to discover that the other cat (not the one who scratched out my eyeball) had peed multiple times on our couch. Shout outs to my ass, who discovered it only after perching upon creepy wetness for several minutes. I'm pretty sure the damage--both to the couch and to my already wavering trust in felines--is irreparable.

I think I'm about to become a dog person.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day. I hope yours--unlike mine--was both piss and violence free.



Hat: H&M ($7)
Scarf: Mossimo for Target ($12.99)
Cardigan: Mossimo Supply Co. ($10)
Henley: Mossimo Supply Co. ($3.79)
Tee: Project E via Gabriel Bros. ($6.99)
Jeans: F21 ($12.50)
Boots: Mossimo for Target ($50)

xoxo,
Maria

How I rolled: Snow Day!

Sometimes you just don't realize how much you love someone until you're away from them for awhile.

And so it was for the internets and me. Thanks to the incredible force of nature that was the Blizzard of 2010, we were separated for a few days, but now we're back--togeths, forevs--and the two of us couldn't be happier. :) As a result, the rest of this situation somehow seems less grim. Yes, there are quite literally FEET of snow outside my door, Bunny and I have been trapped indoors for days, and Honey pretty much leaves only to drive the 8 minutes to work and back in his big, bad 4WD SUV. (Can I get one of those on eBay, do you think? Probs, but I suppose the shipping would kill the deal...) But as long as I can transport myself via HyperText Transfer Protocol, it's all good.

And speaking of eBay, don't tell the internets, but our affair is nearly as passionate. Of course I realize that internets introduced me to eBay, but sometimes chemistry trumps logic, you know? So eBay and I have been dating on the downlow for a loooooooong time now, and I don't know if anyone has ever been so good to me. I mean srrrrrrrrrrrriously, ya'll, he really hooks it up! Here's an example:

Months ago, as I was preparing myself for the inevitable snows of winter, it occurred to me that paying $80-100 for a snowsuit that Bunny would wear for only one season was just retarded. (Yeah I said it. And you can suck it, Sarah Palin... Cause it's satire, ya know?) So I turned to the magical wonderland of eBay, where I procured a Columbia Tectonite 2-piece snowsuit for my One for only $22. And just look how precious he looks while rocking it:



Around this same time I concluded that since Bunny only recently celebrated his first birthday, he could not yet play in the snow alone. Therefore, I too would need a snowsuit. Obviously. Visions of my mom's sweet 1-piece snow jumpsuits circa the early 80s danced in my head, but I came to the harsh realization that they don't make 'em like they used to. However, I knew I could count on eBay to provide one that was made when they did.

I spent about a week watching and pricing these bad boys, reading specs, measuring sleeve and hem lengths, and pondering over color schemes until I struck eBay gold.



What you are looking at there, my friends, (besides a picture of me looking like I have to pee) is a genuine, mint-condition, late 70s John Deere snowmobile suit. Its features include a gorgeous bright yellow quilted lining, four zippered pockets, an elastic waistband and attached belt, a sweater material zip-up collar which can be worn open:



or turtle-neck style:



and elastic stirrups to keep the pants tucked safely into boots. I honestly don't think it's ever been worn. That is, until now. And how!



Oh, late 70s/early 80s, with your shameless primary color schemes and racing stripe detailing!



And I will also say that the fact that it was manufactured by John Deere really sealed the deal for me on this one. Because I live in Southwestern Pennsylvania. There are lots of rabid John Deere tractor fans here. I am not one of them. And I like irony.



And now, the big reveal: I paid exactly $12.22 for this bad boy. Can you believe it??? God, I love eBay!

Clearly, when one is wearing a snowsuit, it is also crucial to accessorize properly: with snow boots. And these, my friends, are some fine, fine specimens.



Again, these are inspired by my love of all things vintage--they conjure up memories of the moon boots of yesteryear. Also, have we yet discussed my lust for metallics? Because basically if something is metallic anything--but especially gold or silver--it must be mine. This has been the case since probs middle school, and I realize that there was a time when people probably thought I was Blanche Devereaux's dwarf doppleganger, but whatevs.

Now it just so happens that fashion is currently back in love with metallics. I'd be wearing them even if not due to personal taste, but can you believe that some poor eBaying fool chose now to rid their closet of these gems? And in the same week that I decided to search eBay for "silver metallic snow boots?" Ah, sweet victory. Once again, you are mine.

So Honey, Bunny and I were going outside to play in the snow, on a day when we otherwise would not have been together. And this is how I rolled.



I kid you not when I say that I rolled into Walmart in this gear as well, because after a failed attempt at cross country skiing (too much snow), we decided to try to buy a sled. And who cares if both Walmart and Toys-R-Us were totally sold out? And that by the time we found one at Dick's, the sun was going down and Bunny had fallen asleep? At least the old JD got some public exposure.

To all the fine Walmart patrons I may have encountered that day who ate too much acid in the 70s, I sincerely apologize for any possible flashbacks that I might have triggered. Have you ever seen a dream walking? Well they did.



So thanks, snow. I might poo-poo you sometimes, and I'm still a little pissed about you knocking my power out



but at least you gave me the chance to rep this suit properly. And for that, I salute you. :) Or blow you a kiss or something, I guess. Whatever the hell I'm doing in this picture.



So here's to the internets, eBay, and to keeping the past alive while playing in the snow of the present. Just because we're adults doesn't mean we have to act like it all the time, right?



Anyway, that's how I rolled. (And forrealz, ya'll I literally rolled--in the snow--this time!)

xoxo,
Maria

PS. Sorry for the repeated references in this post to inanimate objects as people. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I promise that I truly am grounded in reality. Sometimes it just might not sound like it. ;)



Hat: Urban Outfitters ($1)
Headband, used to secure hat: Gabriel Bros. ($2.99)
Vintage John Deere snowsuit: eBay ($12.22)
Hockey legwarmers: Gabriel Bros. ($1.99)
Boots: Pacific Trail, eBayed ($15)

How I rolled: Keepin' it real

Okay, let's get something straight: I would be terribly remiss if I didn't mention that moms spend a lot of time in jeans. It is a fact of life. They are comfortable, practical, and (if they are dark and lovely, like most of my faves rappers) can be worn many times without laundering. Basically, jeans are a mom's best friend.

They can also go terribly wrong. We've all seen this happen to moms before, and it's not pretty. The slouchy tee-shirts, over-sized sweatshirts and light-wash tapered leg Sears specials are not now, nor have they ever been the answer. The former make us look larger and/or slovenly, and the latter serves only to emphasize the dolphin head that resides between vag and belly button on so many of us mommies after having our uteri blown up like balloons for 9 months so Junior can live rent free.

It comes down to this: when mixing moms and jeans, proportion is crucial. If you're going to wear skinny jeans (please do), then add some volume on top for balance. Not only is it forgiving to our poor abused mid-sections, it can also help place emphasis on parts unaffected by baby. Observe:







(The caption under this photo should read, "Because my hips weren't wide enough before... Thanks, childbirth!") Snarf.

So this was my lazy-Sunday-hanging-out-around-the-house-catching-up-with-friends-and-playing-with-Miles steeze.



Let it be known that the aforementioned friends live in Canada and still came to check out our new crib, which is more than I can say for some people who live in the same freaking county--let alone, country--as me. But we'll let that ride for now...

As you might have gathered from my first post, I am down with animal print. Sadly, this cardi hasn't gotten all that much play since the day it caught my eye while waiting on a seemingly endless line in the Daffy's near Herold Square. You see, I was wearing a LOT of black at the time, and the main colors in this bad boy are cream and brown. Not my faves form of leops, but I had to have it nonetheless; I had been in the market for a leopard print cardi for ages, and this is what the universe provided.



You will note the darling faceted acrylic buttons, I hope.

Now as far as animal prints go, my rule of thumb is never to wear them without providing a juicy burst of color. In the case of this pairing, I think the cardi also saves the shirt from looking overly precious, what with the doily-looking accents and all, no? This overly precious pose, however, does not. ;)



Finally, the accessory selection is a big wet sloppy kiss to my old hood, Bushwick. Cause gaudy fake-ass gold is how we do. I also love that this necklace kind of reminds me of the chainlink ID bracelets true players used to rock in the 80s.



Some dark denim and my faves boots of the moment, and there you have it. That's how I rolled.



Cardi: A* via Daffy's ($?)
Shirt: Anne Taylor Loft ($10)
Tank: Target ($6)
Jeans: F21 ($12.50)
Boots: Mossimo for Target
Earrings: Gabriel Bros. ($3.99)
Necklace: Trifari (vintage, ebayed - $2.99)

So the moral of this story is: Mom jeans? Never cool. Moms in jeans? Yes, please, but don't forget to mind your p's and q's... proportion and... okay, so it's just your p's. Whatevs.

Smooches to my bros from up north. You guys rule. :)



So I'm still having issues with blurry photos. Can someone show me how to work this technology, or am I actually going to have to read the manual?? Gross.

Anyway, til next time, kids...

xoxo,
Maria