Sunday, February 14, 2010

How I rolled: MedExpress

So yesterday morning just prior to 7am, as I was repositioning my head on the pillow that I share--out of LOVE, might I add--with my baby cat, Allegra, she scratched my eye out. Forrealz. Or at least she tried.

I can't say what motivated this blatant lack of loyalty except that perhaps she confused the gentle movement of my head nestling blissfully into the pillow with the nocturnal scuttling of some object of prey, thus triggering her feline instinct to attack. Perhaps my hair was nappier than usual? Until she learns to speak English, I may never know.


What I do know, however, is that it caused bleeding, extreme pain, and instantaneous compromise of my 20/20 vision.


(Contrary to what it might look like, in this photo I am actually fighting off my tiny cat, not the imaginary paparazzi who are constantly stalking me...)

Anyway, I was not about to go to the hospital, friends. Neither my insurance company nor I appreciate the thousands of dollars that a trip to the ER presumably necessitates. It was a Saturday, therefore my family doctor was not in the office. Thanks, however, to the vision of some enterprising resident of Wild, Wonderful (Morgantown), West Virginia, and the magic of happenstance, there was another option: a MedExpress that is a cat's throw from my house. (Please note: I haven't tested this claim, however I have thoughtfully considered it and believe it to be true. Particularly if the cat in question weighs less than 10 lbs., as does mine.)

Since MedExpress didn't open until 9am, I had no choice but to make due with a warm washcloth and a river of profanity. In the meantime, I also exercised my long-standing ability to see the sunny side of any situation.

"Ooooh, maybe I'll have to wear an eye patch!" I shouted triumphantly to Honey. Many of my friends can attest to the fact that I've worn an eye patch before, but this would be a genuine, bona fide, medical necessity. I mean, seriously, how badass would that be??

Unfortunately, I was *not* instructed to wear an eye patch, however after having both a numbing agent and some dye shot into my eyeball, I was instructed to see an opthamologist. Apparently the scratch was both large and straight down the center of my eye through both iris and pupil, which meant that I should get the opinion of a specialist. So. Gross.

So I was just jumped by a cat. Clearly not much thought was put into this outfit, but what do you expect??


First of all, I squinted my way through its construction like a prize fighter, and second, I was more concerned about my health than my fabulousness. So please take note of the following:

1.) I am not wearing sunglasses in these photos to look cool. It's just that direct light of any kind was unpleasant.


2.) I am wearing this hat because I did not feel like doing my hair.


3.) It was cold. I needed a scarf.


4.) Shut up. I know I look like a Williamsburg hipster. In fact, I scoffed at my own reflection in the mirror as I was coming down the stairs. Whatevs.


So as far as I'm presently concerned, cats can go eff themselves. Also, thanks Allegra, for royally effing up my Valentine's Day. Honey wanted to go out to eat, howevs I was ordered not to wear eye makeup by the doctor, and ya'll know I refuse to be seen in public without. Since we do not know how deep the scratch actually is, apparently the biggest concern is infection, as bacteria introduced to the optic nerve could be detrimental to future of my sight. In light of that knowledge, I suppose it's not worth the risk, eh? I have accepted that I'll be sequestered at home for the next few days... again.

Anyway, after I came home from MedExpress, I pulled out my eye patch and tried it on. I surmised that no one would know that the doctor hadn't told me to wear it, right? To my extreme dismay, howevs, it only added to my discomfort. It seems that relief can be found only through sunglasses, so for the next few days, this is how I'll be rolling. Hey Timbuk 3 and Corey Hart: Like my man Bobby said, "We got something in common."

My future's so bright...

I gotta wear shades.

And because I'm bothered by both natural and artificial lighting:

I wear my sunglasses at night.

Anyway, that's how I rolled.


Just for reference, I think this photo is slightly less blurry than my vision.


Also, this morning I woke up to discover that the other cat (not the one who scratched out my eyeball) had peed multiple times on our couch. Shout outs to my ass, who discovered it only after perching upon creepy wetness for several minutes. I'm pretty sure the damage--both to the couch and to my already wavering trust in felines--is irreparable.

I think I'm about to become a dog person.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day. I hope yours--unlike mine--was both piss and violence free.


Hat: H&M ($7)
Scarf: Mossimo for Target ($12.99)
Cardigan: Mossimo Supply Co. ($10)
Henley: Mossimo Supply Co. ($3.79)
Tee: Project E via Gabriel Bros. ($6.99)
Jeans: F21 ($12.50)
Boots: Mossimo for Target ($50)


1 comment:

  1. Maria,
    Your stories have made my move to Minneapolis a much better experience than I expected. You have brought on many smiles as well as some gut busting laughter. Thanks,